June 14, 2005

Dear Nicole:

We know you must be frustrated that your former husband's recent antics are making it painfully clear to the world that your marriage was a sham and he is a big flamer. We feel for you, but you did get an Oscar out of the deal and went from a nobody to a big, huge star with a gazillion dollars. So go spend some money, have crazy sex, and for the love of God, please stop with the Botox already. You're starting to freak us out.