August 31, 2005

Brad And Zahara Out And About

The ink is barely dry on his divorce papers from Jenifer Aniston and Brad Pitt is already playing daddy to yet another of Angelina Jolie’s adopted children, little Zahara Marley. We don’t really have a problem with anything Brad Pitt does and just wanted to run the photo. Even blurry and barely recognizable, he’s totally hot.

What Arched Eyebrows You Have, Fergie!

Fergie was at the VMA’s, making an ass of herself once again. Is someone going to release a statement that they broke up or that they’ve set a wedding date? Perhaps Josh is having trouble adjusting to the fact that his fiancĂ©e, admittedly in a Jane magazine interview, was a crystal meth drug addict. Or maybe he’s just grossed out that she wet her pants.

Josh, The Morning After

This photo was taken the morning after Fergie peed her pants at the concert in San Diego. He has not been photographed since then.

August 30, 2005

Focus On Mr. Paris

Porn-Star Paris Hilton has been engaged to Paris Latsis ever since ex-BFF Nicole Richie got engaged to her boyfriend (we guess about 6 months). We don’t like to comment on things that we think are a passing phase but after several unexplainably horrific outfits (see above), we can no longer be silent. Paris is marrying a mentally-disabled person. Plain and simple.

Sippin' On Jee-zaws Juice

[Title should be sung to 'Gin and Juice' by Snoop Doggie Dogg.]

“Dirty South” rapper Lil’ Jon played DJ at a Shore Club party in South Beach over the weekend and Jessica/Ashlee Simpson’s daddy/manager, Joe Simpson, shared a cocktail or five. We wonder what his Bible Study students think of their Youth Pastor now.

Holy Outfit At The VMA's

The MTV Video Music Awards were this past Sunday night in Miami, post-Hurricane Katrina, post-Suge Knight getting shot, and definitely post-Jessica Simpson completely losing her mind. We have no idea why her gay hair stylist let her out wearing this, but in his defense, he could never have predicted she would claim to be from the “Dirty South” and randomly hump the air while on stage with her sister. Jessica, President Bush, Beyonce and Renee Zellweger are from Texas. T-E-X-A-S. There is nothing “Dirty” about any of these people, even IF Jessica screwed Johnny Knoxville. Just because you love a dirty person, it doesn’t make you dirty. That’s what Britney tells herself everyday...

Britney Bitches Out A Little Girl

Speaking of Brit-Brit, she made The Post with a story that makes her sound deliciously psycho. According to a snitch on the set of her little sister’s TV show: "Britney had the talent coordinator bring [co-star] Alexa Nikolas over to Jamie Lynn's trailer — where she proceeded to scream that Alexa was an 'evil little girl,' and that she had better watch herself or she 'will never work in this town again!'” The source adds, "Alexa was in tears. She was sobbing and totally upset — I mean, she has been buying Britney CDs since she was 6, and then Britney tears her to pieces? It was totally uncalled for. While Jamie Lynn is the star, Alexa still works there and it is technically her set. And the fight was a petty, 13-year-old thing between Alexa and Jamie Lynn, who is becoming a real pest. Britney should have stayed out of it." Meanwhile, Spears who is just weeks away from giving birth, has spent more than $100,000 on the nursery for her baby boy with Kevin Federline — whom she has already named Preston Federline.
Just because you give a kid a fancy name, it doesn’t mean they're not white trash. Look how that turned out for Rick and Kathy Hilton.

August 28, 2005

Holy Drama In Miami

Ian Schraeger (hotelier and original owner of Studio 54) redesigned a hotel on South Beach a few years ago and turned it into the swanky Shore Club, which sits 2 blocks from his famous Delano on Collins Avenue. The hotel is a favorite among celebrities and we once lived across the street, before we realized Downtown Miami was the chic (and safest) place to reside. South Beach is like Penn Station in the 1980’s and the best hotels (Mandarin Oriental, Four Seasons) have turned Downtown Miami into the place to be. So, it was no surprise that Death Row Records founder/former convict, Suge Knight, was shot at the Shore Club last night. Knight was attending an MTV Video Music Awards party at the hotel, hosted by Kanye West, when he was shot. Partygoers included Jessica Alba, Paris Hilton, The Game and The Black-Eyed Peas. When the crowd scattered, we bet Fergie peed her pants.

Natalie Portman Has A Mohawk

Okay, we get it. You're not just another pretty actress and you are really very talented. And apparently very edgy in a 1985 kind of way. We totally believe you so you can stop trying so hard. Please.

The Post Really Hates Victoria Gotti

As we remember, Victoria had a column in the Post, which disappeared soon after her mob-boss father, John Gotti, died in prison. Talk was that she was fired. Then last year, Gotti, had a column in Star Magazine, which also disappeared amid rumors she was fired. This breast cancer story coincided with her reality show’s second season premiere and began last Sunday with a Daily News cover story, complete with dramatic “Woe is me,” quotes from Gotti. Now it’s one thing to lie about your hair extensions, nose-job and breast implants on national television, but it’s a very different and pathetic thing to claim to have a tragic disease so people will watch your show and care about you.

Tom Cruise Is Totally Straight

From what we can gather, Tom Cruise really liked to dress like a girl as an adolescent. Then he rolled around with other boys as a wrestler in middle school and then again in 2001 (according to gay-porn star, Chad Slater). Tom didn’t finish high school, instead pursuing the priesthood and then acting. Wrestlers, priests and actors are never gay, so we're not sure why everyone questions his sexuality.

K-Fed Gets A Job!

It’s only a matter of time before K-Fed releases the album he’s been working on and becomes so hot y’all, but until then he’s gotten a job as a temporary dance teacher at a studio in Los Angeles. Hopefully Brit has grown tired of paying child support for his two kids he had with previous girlfriend, Shar Jackson, and told him he needs a plan B in case the album doesn’t sell right away. And yes, he’s wearing a scrunchie in his hair.

We're Off To See The Wizard

Gay men are often called a “Friend of Dorothy” so it’s a good thing Tom Cruise chose to be Dorothy herself. Playing the tin man or scarecrow may have created confusion about his sexuality.

August 26, 2005

Sean "Now It's Just Diddy" Combs

We'll use any excuse to show a photo of Tara Reid so here she is at P. Diddy's birthday party. You can thank us for not showing her 'you-know-what.' You see, she went to a plastic surgeon that inserted her giant new boobs in through her 'you-know-whats'. This left disgusting scars that make us want to throw up a little everytime we remember the image which is everytime she mentions it on her Taradise show (we can forget if you'll LET us). We caught the last 15 minutes of 'My Boss's Daughter' in which the normal-chested Tara stars with Ashton Kutcher and a lot of supporting actors (Molly Shannon from SNL, Andy Richter, Carmen Electra, Dave Foley, Terence Stamp, etc.) and she was just a normal, pretty actress with a pleasant voice that fit right in. Now the only role she can play is that of the dumb actress who bought giant porn-star boobs. (It's time to admit it was a mistake, Tara. Have them removed and let's all begin the healing process.) Oh yeah, and P. Diddy now just wants to be called Diddy. No P anymore. He announced it on the Today show, that the fans were confused by the P. And no...we did not make that up just to run the photo from his party.

August 24, 2005

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Eva Longoria, our fave desp housewife, is very happy to promote peace for photographers as she enjoys a night in NYC with big-you-know-what Mr. Tommy Lee. be young and Mrs. Solis.....

The Defeat Of Pixie Paris

Not that we're saying Paris doesn't look pretty with the extensions or anything, but why wouldn't you just keep your cute natural hair? We felt hope for a moment.

Oh, No She Di-Int!

Remember when we talked about 'When Bad Things Happen To Good People?' Well, defendent/housekeeper-lady told the court, "I didn't steal from Isabella Rossellini because she treated me well. I only stole from people who didn't treat me with respect," TurykWawrynowicz said, according to court documents. Brilliant legal strategy.

August 22, 2005

Former Star Hits Rock Bottom

Natasha Lyonne is in intensive care in a New York hospital suffering from hepatitis C, a heart infection, a collapsed lung and is covered in track marks. She's also undergoing methadone treatment — typically used to help heroin users. The American Pie actress has been living on the street since being evicted from her apartment. Maybe Tom Cruise should go cure her with his vitamins.

August 19, 2005

Brit Relapses

And boom, just like that, all our hard work is wasted. Britney is back to wearing the Daisy Duke shorts as if her promise to us meant nothing. And what is up with her nose?!

I Am Whatever You Say I Am

Eminem has had a rough few days. Two days ago he cancelled the European leg of his tour, citing exhaustion. Yesterday, his aunt and uncle sued him for possession of a house he built for them and because they don’t believe a $136,000 gift is enough. Today, Eminem entered a hospital to be treated for an addiction to sleeping medication. Here’s a man that was abandoned by his father as a baby, grew up with a selfish mother whom he is now estranged from, and has raised his daughter while his ex-wife has been in and out of jail. A few months ago Em’s uncle killed himself and the press jumped on the story, going as far as reporting the suicide was prompted by a neighbor’s dog barking. Hopefully Eminem’s daughter doesn’t go to school with mean kids whose parents read The Enquirer and her daddy is home and feeling better soon.

August 18, 2005

Someone At E! Just Got Fired

Last night's 'Wild On Tara' brought the crew to Spain for the running of the bulls and Tara has never looked worse. The show is now called 'Taradise' which is clearly an attempt to distant Trainwreck Tara from E!'s popular 'Wild On' series. In honor of Tara hitting Rock Bottom, we present the girl from Jersey that she once was.

She Works Hard For The Money

Little Miss Eva Longoria was hit on the head with a pole during the filming of 'Desperate Housewives' and was treated at a Pasadena hospital. Also injured recently was Madonna who broke some ribs when she fell off a horse on her 47th birthday a couple of days ago, but we won't be paying any mind to her until she stops pretending to be British.

The Return Of Pixie Paris

Before Paris released her porn tape and became famous for being famous, the owners of Prive' on South Beach (our former stomping ground) used to fly her and Nicole Richie (and sometimes Nicky Hilton) down to Miami nearly every weekend and the club would get mentioned in Page Six and the girls would do lots of drugs and yadda, yadda, yadda. Nicole was always screaming about how she wanted to kick someone's ass and Paris was always showing her vagina to anyone that would look and it was all great entertainment. We like to see the good in people so while Paris was dancing like a stripper on the bar, we admired her fabulous shoes. While Paris was throwing up in the ladies' room, we admired her cute little pigtails. And now Paris has finally gotten rid of the hideous hair extensions and we are so very proud of her. Now if she could just get her friend Tara Reid to do the same, the world would be a much better place.

August 16, 2005

Eva Longoria And Tommy Lee Do NYC

Tommy met up with Eva, our favorite Desperate Housewife, for dinner at Nobu and partying at Cain. She entered the back door of her hotel while Tommy entered through the front at 4 am. He is seen here leaving shortly before dawn. Eva's fiancee, Tony Parker, will be in France playing with the National Basketball team through the end of the year and because we don't particularly like the French (food-yes, people-no) we hope Eva will dump him and continue on with her bangin' hot life. Call us selfish....we can't hear you anyway.

August 13, 2005

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Lindsay Lohan is and it's like, so totally radical, dude. Lindsay skipped out on the London premiere of her movie to return to New York to be with her mother while she began divorcing her father. Lohan's co-star, Michael "Beetlejuice" Keaton, was asked by one of the entertainment shows on the red carpet where Lindsay was and he said, "I don't know and I don't care." Meow. So here Lohan is, obviously being a great comfort to her mother. Aside from renting a house in the Hamptons and allowing her PR team to put out statements that she "wants her boobs back," and is committed to "a healthier lifestyle," Lindsay has been hanging out in the bathrooms of various clubs, snorting excessive amounts of Trimspa and feeling sorry for herself. She is like a rock of support for her Mom.

August 12, 2005

Breaking News! Courtney Love Drugs It Up!

We're just thankful she has a good bikini waxer. Page Six reported that Courtney failed a recent drug test while on probation for a myriad of crimes. Courtney was supposed to stay sober per the courts in L.A. and NYC and was in rehab for a while from which she emerged healthy, albeit overweight. She was granted visitation with her daughter, Francis Bean, who had been living with Kurt Cobain's family and started working out with Pam Anderson and was beginning to look great. And then all hell broke loose. She was taken from The Tropicana Club via ambulance after she "fainted" the night before she was to appear in court, and at the taping of Pamela Anderson's Comedy Roast which airs this Sunday night, Courtney was out of control and incoherent. Someone needs to give this woman her own reality show.

What Would Joey Do?

Matt LeBlanc put his acting skills to work in an Exclusive Enquirer Interview where he talked about being at a strip club and a stripper putting her boobs in his face and how he was drunk and was "tempted" to cheat. Guess it's time for the tabloid to cash in the limo driver chip which makes LeBlanc their bitch or else they'll 'out' him. At least it's not obvious or anything. Big stars give exclusive interviews to the Enquirer all the time.

Britney's Baby Daddy Is So Street

"So then Kevin is all I'm gonna fix em' good and shot em' with a bee-bee gun. Ain't he the best, y'all?" Indeed, a paparazzi was shot with a pellet gun while trying to get photos of Brit's baby shower. He was in a pack of other photographers and the police were called and his leg was bleeding and everyone said the shot came from Brit's house. We happen to think K-Fed is responsible and trying to get some street credibility for his future as a rapper. Seriously. He's recording a rap album. We can't wait.

August 11, 2005

Classy Is The New Slutty

Tara was interviewed in USA Today prior to her show's premiere and had this to say, “You’re going to see the people and the country and events and things we do. I feel like Willy Wonka, and I’m taking you into the chocolate factory. It’s a classy show.” Ever since she got those big boobs that she still can't seem to maneuver properly, nothing about Tara Reid has been classy. The premiere show on Wednesday night was in Greece and featured Paris Hilton and her fiancee, Paris Latsis who both sat around smiling while Tara yelled into the camera. It was deliciously sad.

August 2, 2005

Oh, Fergie, You Poor Thing

Who's Promoting Peace Today?

Maddox Still Isn't Walking

And what's with the eyeliner on the kid? He already doesn't know how to walk because you carry him ALL THE TIME and now he's wearing eyeliner. We're confused.

August 1, 2005

Tara Reid Is Back In A Big Way

It's good to see some things never change. Inevitably, we will watch Wild On Tara! when it shows up on E! and we'll love it. Downward spirals are fun to watch.