June 30, 2006

Nick Lachey Update

Nick has a thing for brunettes and is now dating Vanessa Minnillo of Entertainment Tonight and TRL. The stats on Vanessa: she was born on an Army base in the Philippines in 1980, was Miss Teen Usa 1998, was recently dating Derek Jeter of the Yankees, appeared in Nick's new video for 'What's Left Of Me' and her favorite recording artist is Ashlee Simpson. Nick and Vanessa have both denied that they are dating so we are led to believe that Hollywood friends always take romantic vacations in Mexico or maybe they are just using each other for something. We wonder what that could be.
UPDATE: Nick and Jessica's divorce became final late this afternoon so he is officially back on the market.

Mimi Works The Lycra Dress

Mariah Carey always seems to be talking about her diets these days and bravo to her on the recent weight loss. Apparently she only ate fish & soups to take off the pounds, and now 'The Daily Mirror' is reporting that Mariah is on a purple diet which is supposed to slow the aging process. "A plum a day keeps a facelift away" but what diet can Mariah go on to help with her penchant for dressing like a hooker? Perhaps the Bergdorf's Diet*? That's where you eat breakfast at Bergdorf Goodman every day and let a personal shopper dress you appropriately. Even her dog Jack is embarrassed to be seen with her.
* Not an actual diet.

June 29, 2006

When Celebrities Collide

A lesser celebrity might have cracked under these circumstances, but after being married to a circus show like Tom Cruise, this lady has nerves of steel. Just days before her wedding, the media declared Nicole pregnant as a result of the above photo. If she is, great. If not, then she was just called pregnant (fat) right before her big day. Following the wedding, she and husband Keith Urban jetted off to an undisclosed resort in the South Pacific for a very private honeymoon in a $15,000 per night bungalow over the water. Unfortunately, just a few feet away at the same resort, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are also vacationing. Nicole and Keith flew in her private plane from Sydney while Eva and Tony took a commercial flight from Los Angeles - the paparazzi capital of the world. You can guess the rest.

Same Old Story, Same Old Song & Dance

Another day, another lawsuit. Naomi Campbell just can't stay out of trouble and it's about time she hires a bodyguard to protect the general public from her craziness. Yet another maid has accused her of assault (she's number 5) and Naomi has hired super defense attorney David Breitbart to keep her out of jail. Breitbart used to defend mafia bosses and arms dealers so there's a good chance that his negotiations will lead to a favorable plea deal. Speaking of jail, Naomi celebrated her birthday last month in Dubai and her friend/drug supplier, Dallas Austin, is still in prison there for trying to bring drugs into the country for her party. The government of Dubai has a very low tolerance for drugs and in extreme cases, drug traffickers have received the death penalty. So it might have been a good idea to celebrate with cocktails and good food and forget about smuggling cocaine in through customs. When your name is comprised of two Texan cities, you can probably anticipate some extra attention from security at an airport in The United Arab Emirates. That is like naming yourself 'Orlando Miami' and going to Cuba.

Former Mrs. Cage Becomes Mrs. Jane

Congratulations to Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane on their wedding in Italy over the weekend. She rocked as Alabama Wurley in 'True Romance' and he was in 'The Sweetest Thing' with Christina Applegate. And we have nothing to say about her veil/xena warrior princess accessory. Absolutely (sweet Jesus, what is that?!) nothing. Best of luck to the happy couple.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

The powers that be have yet to leak the original photos from the Harper's Bazaar photo shoot (prior to the airbrushing) so we'll take matters into our own hands and suggest that you don't drink the kool-aid. It would seem counter-productive to pose nude while complaining about all the attention one receives from the press, but consistency has never been our gal's strong suit. In case you were thinking that Brit Brit magically returned to being beautiful, we present the magic of PhotoShop which features a Playboy Playmate and is self-explanatory. So instead of encouraging children to be lawyers or doctors, push for the Airbrush Artist career. These people are brilliant.

June 28, 2006

Donna Martin Strikes Out

Are you f*cking kidding with this? Tori's father passed away on Friday evening while she was still in Canada until Saturday with her new husband after terrorizing his wife on an awards show. First of all, she married the guy on the same day that he divorced his wife. If that is not tacky, we're not sure what is. Secondly, Tori made fun of the Canadian actress and had her removed from the event....in the woman's own country in front of her own fans. Mind you, all of this was happening while her father was dying. And third, her father had a stroke the week before and was obviously not in good health, hence his death. Now she's crying that she didn't say goodbye before he died? This does not bode well for a next season of 'So NoTorious,' as we're not sure how she can turn this into an "I don't know" moment and make it funny. This is just sad.

Holy Silver And Sequins

The BET Awards were last night and Beyonce is still wearing her mother's ridiculous creations. And yes, those are sequined spiders on her newly svelte legs and stomach. While we watched the BET awards last year, Kathy Griffin had our attention this time around. Speaking of Kathy, she is going to have a ball referring to her arch-nemesis, Star Jones, and the giant pool of crap she just threw herself into. We can't wait.

Hot Time In The City

Madonna is in town to kick off her tour this evening at the Garden where she will not allow for air conditioning as it adversely affects her voice. Her husband has taken to sleeping in a separate hotel room due to the a.c. issue which we're guessing will adversely affect her marriage, but we're just speculating. Hopefully she'll put on quite the show to make up for fans paying $300 a ticket to asphyxiate.

Now That Is Just Pathetic

Remember when Demi Moore posed naked and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair like a million years ago? No? We barely remember it either, but obviously Brit Brit does.
If you are at work and value your job, do not scroll down.

And Then There Were Three

Holy drama on 'The View.' On yesterday's show, Star Jones Reynolds made an unplanned announcement that she would not be returning for the show's tenth season which took her co-hosts by surprise. Barbara Walters told the Associated Press yesterday, "I love Star and I was trying to do everything I possibly could — up until this morning when I was betrayed — to protect her." Star's photo was not in the opening credits today, and Walters told viewers that Star has known for months that ABC was not renewing her contract and that they gave her the opportunity to look for a new job. Walters explained Star could give any reason she wanted for her departure and that they would back her up, allowing her to leave with dignity...."But Star made another choice." Apparently viewers were turned off by Star's marriage to the gay Al Reynolds, her incessant promoting of companies giving her free gifts and services for her wedding in 2004, by her recent weight loss which she won't admit was from gastric bypass surgery, her recent boob job, and by her annoying personality. Walters said, "We tried to talk them [ABC] out of it and we tried to give Star time to redeem herself in the eyes of the audience, and the research just kept getting worse." In a People magazine interview Star said, "I feel like I was fired." That's because you were, bitch.

June 27, 2006

Bridge & Tunnel Through and Through

Dear Lindsay,

We knew it was a mistake when we agreed to let you in on the social scene here in New York and you proved why a girl from Long Island is just that - a girl from Long Island. We told you it was a big responsibility, but you begged and pleaded and we felt sorry for you because Wilmer had just dumped you and now look where we are. Most of the time people laugh off your ridiculous behavior with a, "Oh, that's just how Lindsay is," but this time you went too far and we feel it's time to rescind your invitation. It's not because of the drinking and drug binge you were on, but rather your behavior during said excursion. Here's the thing - Mr. Sean "Diddy" Combs and Miss Paris Hilton are true residents of this fair city and when you publicly argue with them and make everything about you, you, you....well, it's childish and embarrassing. When you are kicked out of establishments, it's a good idea to just leave, and not throw glasses at the owner. Oh, and that little crying bit you did was priceless. Learn to control your buzz and respect others. And stay in Los Angeles. Or Long Island. Anywhere but here.

With best wishes,
New York City

June 26, 2006

Breaking News! Brit Wears A Cute Dress!

Kudos to Brit Brit on the return to her roots...anything is better than the peroxide do-it-yourself look. A poll by US Weekly reported that 87 percent of people lost respect for Brit following the Dateline interview so thankfully she is making an effort to get herself together. She hired a team to do her hair and make-up for a photo shoot and offered the photos to the tabloids for $200,000. Considering she called those magazines trash (pot, kettle?) there were no bidders and OK! magazine picked them up for $5,000. They ran an interview in which Brit explains her husband's reaction when she said she was preggers again...K-Fed was shocked and said, "Whatever you want to do." Brit's rep, Leslie Sloan Zelnick, needs to do her job as it is obvious that nobody is advising this poor girl. Spin, baby, spin.

The Brangelina Chicken Dance

Another Brangelina photo scandal occurred over the weekend when this stolen photo from the baby shower prompted their lawyers to go into overdrive. In other news, a photographer was arrested outside of Maddox's nursery school. At this rate, Brangelina's legal team is looking forward to early retirement.

Bad Parent Of The Day

The American Pie E! True Hollywood Story aired over the weekend which we were hoping would have an interview with our gal Tara Reid, but the only new footage was from Natasha Lyonne's father, Aaron Braunstein. Apparently he is acting as her spokesperson these days and called the Daily News over the weekend to threaten people that have seen Natasha around Manhattan in a heroin-induced stupor. One eyewitness saw her buying syringes at the drug store while another saw her injecting drugs on the sidewalk in Tribeca. We're no experts but we venture to guess that Mr. Braunstein should get his daughter to rehab rather than make up a fictitious story about an acting gig she has which will garner her an Oscar. When a newspaper describes your daughter as looking "like she could die any minute," it might be a good idea to go look for her.

Get Your Sue On

Cute Bob Marley shirt on baby Kingston. We're not sure what all the hub-bub is about, but lawyers are threatening to sue bloggers all over the net for posting these pics. In our opinion these law firms should be thanking the bloggers for all those billable hours, perhaps in a P.S. at the bottom of their sue-letter. And yes, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have a very, very gorgeous baby. Cheers.

June 25, 2006

Take Your Cat And Leave My Sweater

Congratulations to Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban who wed today in Sydney. The title of this post is from one of his songs...just in case you're not familiar with country music. Anyway, Nicole's new hubby is hot and has an Australian accent. And he's not gay nor a Scientologist. Score.

June 23, 2006

The Great Peach Pit In The Sky

The genius producer Aaron Spelling passed away this evening at the age of 83 at his home in California. He was the man behind "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Melrose Place" as well as many, many other great shows. It is hard to imagine a world without Kelly and Dylan, Amanda and Billy, Donna Martin and David Silver....and we're so grateful we never have to.

June 22, 2006

Three Years And Then Out

Justin Timberlake broke up with Cameron Diaz, and he is set to go on a world tour for his new album. Cameron is set to go on a drinking binge.

June 19, 2006

The Interview - Setting

In the aftermath of Thursday night's sad, sad interview...Brit Brit has been in South Beach while K-Fed appeared at a nightclub to promote his new album. [Insert joke here.] The scenario was as follows: she chewed gum the entire time, she wore a see-through tank top, her nails were super short and painted by a five-year-old in a hideous mauve pink, her make-up and false eyelashes were atrocious, as were her hair extensions. The NBC crew thought they had arrived on the wrong day when they saw her appearance and her handlers explained today that Britney is a "grown-up" and that is why they were not present. And then she began to speak.

The Interview - Air Quotes

Apparently Brit saw somebody use air quotes and thought it was cool or something because she air quoted the following words within one hour: far, story, person, target, technically, pro-love, try, and young blonde girl. Air quotes are not cool and are actually really annoying. Really.

The Interview - Lies, Lies, Lies

Aside from the ridiculous tank-top, Brit actually looks cute in the above pic which is reminiscent of Matt Lauer's first interview with her seven years ago. Dateline aired clips of that interview featuring Brit singing a Christmas carol at Rockefeller Center and she was just so sweet and darling. Flash forward to an obnoxious, lying, defensive 24-year-old, and that is where we find ourselves now. Lauer asked her about the incident in New York when she almost dropped her son - "You tripped on your jeans?" She answered that the street was cobblestone and she tripped on the street. It happened on 57th street and the only cobblestone in NYC is in the Meat Packing District. Dateline showed the video with Brit holding a glass in one hand, her son in the other, and her jeans covering her platform shoes. (Hems, ladies). Lauer asked her why she was crying after it happened and she said, "I was really hungry." Brit summed it all up by saying that it was an "oops" and there will be a hundred more oops and that her brother got in four motorcycle accidents when he was thirteen and had to be airlifted to the hospital. Whatever the f-ck that means. Lauer asked her what she would say to people that say Kevin left his girlfriend when she was six months pregnant with his second child, and she said that Julia Roberts' husband did the same thing. Dateline pointed out that he did not do that. Lauer confronted her with all the tabloids that were saying she would be divorcing and she answered, "I should start my own magazine." Then she laughed at her own stupid joke. Then she repeated it. And laughed again. Lauer asked her about the people that call her a "redneck." She answered, "I'm not a Bible belt." They showed a clip of Kevin wearing a red t-shirt that pointed out the redneck towns in California. It was a sad day in America.

June 16, 2006

Poor Little Rich Kid

There had been reports that obnoxious drunk Brandon Davis had entered rehab this week at the urging of his mother. Those reports, however, were wrong. Brandon, who did a 2001 stint in rehab for alcohol and cocaine abuse, has apparently not embarrassed himself or his friends and family enough to grow the f-ck up. While his irresponsible drinking has lost him countless friends and got him turned away at L.A.'s hottest club (Hyde) the other night, he continues to act like a complete ass. Perhaps his mother should start with teaching him how to shower and then work her way up to respectable behavior. Everything at once might seem a little overwhelming.

Brangelina Update

In this week's issue of Forbes, Angelina Jolie gives an interview regarding her UN work and 'candidly acknowledges her crusade [charity] has an extra upside: It diverts movie fans, supermarket tabloids and the media from focusing on more controversial and less attractive elements of her life.' Angelina came in at number 35 on Forbes' Hot 100 List of Celebrities, making $14 million in the last year. Aniston also was ranked 35th, making $18 million. Brad came in at number 20 and made $25 million. Factors such as Google mentions, TV mentions and magazine covers determined the rankings. Brit Brit didn't make the list.

June 15, 2006

Brit And Matt On Dateline Tonight

What is up with the hair, Brit? We know you can afford a proper dye job so let's get it together. We were sorry to hear that Madonna has cut you off, but we do respect her position. We also understand why Mel Gibson is selling his $24 million mansion in Malibu to get away from you, but you musn't take these things personally. Some people will give up on you when it seems you are beyond help but as long as you try and improve yourself, all will turn out just fine. One more thing - please, please, please start wearing proper attire. If not for yourself, then for the children.

June 13, 2006

Five-Month-Old Baby Drives A Car!

Brit Brit and K-Fed were photographed together for the first time since March and according to Brit, their marriage is awesome. Matt Lauer interviewed Brit and she explained the driving incident with, "I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I'd drive. We're country." This is a change from the "I was protecting my son from the photographers," story she gave earlier, but the country thing is refreshing and Lohan already used all the paparazzi ate my homework excuses.

It's All About Me, Me, Me

Rather than muster up any sort of grace in the wake of her horrid behavior, Denise Richards is intent on spreading negativity until we cringe at the very thought of her. In the midst of moving her children out of their home (which was in the same neighborhood as former BFF Heather Locklear) trampy Denise found time to tour Europe with Richie's band Bon Jovi. Upon returning to the States, she went off to Vegas to perform with the PussyCat Dolls and gave this quote to ET, " I was so thankful that Angelina had that baby....I'm like please have that baby so it takes away from us." A simple, "I'm so happy for them," would have sufficed but that would not be keeping in line with her special brand of crazy. Just so we're all on the same page here, Denise was in two movies, married the biggest playboy in Hollywood, used his connections to appear on some TV shows, had a baby, posed naked in Playboy, had another baby, slept with her best friend's husband, and sued her own husband for divorce because he looked at porn on the internet. Now it's time for her to go away. Or star in next season's Surreal Life. Whichever.

June 9, 2006

TomKat Revisited

Poor TomKat has been eclipsed by Brangelina and we're wondering how we'll make it through this summer without those crazy Cruises to poke fun at. Obviously we are only blessed with their antics when they have big movies coming out, and we can only hope the wedding is around the corner. The pre-nup negotiations are on-going with recent numbers giving Kate $3 million for each year that they are married, up to a total of $33 million. After 11 years, all bets are off and California's one-half law takes effect. We can expect a divorce a la Nicole Kidman after 10 years and six months (which is exactly how long they were married). Speaking of Nicole, her wedding is June 25th in Sydney and she has hired all the helicopters in the area for a reported $300,000 so the paparazzi can't get photos. Nicole, honey, unless Brangelina is invited...nobody really gives a shit.

Brangelina Blah, Blah, Blah

TMZ.com has the video of Angelina talking and Brad sitting. We were bored, but you may find it interesting as she explains that it's hard to be a refugee. Thank you, master of the obvious.

June 8, 2006

Shiloh Mania

Did you hear? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby.

Namibia's Catch-22

Brangelina gave a press conference yesterday with the President of Namibia and announced that they have no plans to marry because "a ceremony on top of this would be nothing." Whatever the f-ck that means. Angelina looks lovely post-baby except for the Billy Bob tattoo that she has been trying to have lasered off for years now. How does she explain Mommy's giant Billy Bob snake to Maddox? (Or to herself for that matter). Brad looks hot as always, but we have to wonder how you can have a country's government ask for your approval when allowing visitors to the nation, yet you are unable to find a tailor to hem your sleeves.

We Love Perry

So this is Perry Taylor, Brit Brit's new bodyguard and the cause of quite the hub-bub as of late. Perry is a 28-year-old Naval Academy graduate and is with Brit and Sean all the time which has lead some tabloids to label him "The Manny" or K-Fed's new threat. Yes, Perry helps out with the baby and with Brit, but he also has a serious girlfriend that his mother called a knockout. They have been together for two years and live together as well. We are noticing, however, that Brit has started wearing lipstick and washing her hair so we say keep this guy around forever.

June 7, 2006

Lohan Leaves Us Speechless

First of all, the long shorts are ridiculous and this "trendy" phase needs to end soon for everybody's well-being. And the LEATHER shorts with matching shoes and hat is beyond words so we'll move on. After the whole Brandon Davis shouting mean things about Lindsay situation was resolved (and Brandon promised never to call her "fire-crotch" again), his grandmother mistakenly told some of her friends that the two kids were dating. Lindsay's rep responded with this statement: "Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas." Yes, you read that correctly. Several men.

June 6, 2006

Four Million Dollar Baby

Brangelina has sold the first photos of baby Shiloh to be published in the U.S. to People magazine for $4.1 million. Hello! magazine bought the international rights and all the cash will be donated to a charity still to be named. You may be asking, why didn't Brit Brit think of this? Well, she's not that charitable and they needed to buy Cheetos. And is that a wedding band on Angelina's finger?!

Jessica Who?

Meet Kim Kardashian, a stylist that is now dating Nick Lachey. Kim is 25 years old and the daughter of the late Robert Kardashian, a lawyer on O.J Simpson's dream team. Like Nick, Kim is also divorced and she has a semi-famous sister that appeared on a reality show while Nick's brother, Drew, won the reality competition Dancing With The Stars this past season. With his album staying in the top 20 and the new gal on his arm, Nick seems to be doing very well indeed. Congrats.

Must See Summer TV

Our favorite funny girl, Kathy Griffin, is back with her second season of 'My Life On The D-List' on Tuesday nights at 9pm on BRAVO. The season premiere is tonight and we can't wait to see what's going on with Matt and Renee Zelwegger and the main gays and the puppies and the live-in gay visionary and Star Jones....it's sure to be hilarious.

June 2, 2006

Brit Brit Part Three Of Three

What is with the curlers in public? Seriously. Are they taping an episode of Hee-Haw in the streets of Malibu and you're trying to be an extra? We will, however, give you another gold star for using two hands to carry your son, and the sensible shoes may be the smartest move you've made in years. And that, my dear, is a Bravo Hat-Trick.

Brit Brit Part Two Of Three

Now we know why little Sean is always wearing a hat. Luckily he's too young to have memories of his scary fall from his high-chair, but that scar looks like it will stay with him for life. If she's this irresponsible now, we can't bear to imagine her with two children. We will give her another gold star for wearing a bra, albeit black and completely showing. Bravo, bravo.