March 19, 2009

Jim Cramer Stands Outside Studio of "The Daily Show" for Two Weeks, Barefoot, in the Snow

Please, humor us for a few moments as we discuss last weeks biggest entertainment story: a story widely discussed both in anticipation and aftermath, which leaves little demand for the revelation of what our untrained eyes perceive. We refer, of course, to the come-to-Jesus-talk between Jon Stewart and wayward financial reporter Jim Cramer- present as a representative of his network-large ship of fools, CNBC. (Actually a raping, pillaging pirate ship, according to your source. From this apparently subtle distinction emerged the tension which made the interview so bizarre, but more on that later.) We expected more of a battle royale. Anticipation of the confrontation built for a week- complete with the back-and-forth televised jabs necessarry for all celebrity feuds- and nearly reached its boiling point as Cramer smashed Stewart in doughy effigy on the Martha Stewart show. Considering the personalities involved (Economists,-particularly the televised ones, specifically Cramer- strike us as arrogant, argumentative, dogmatic, and unwilling to admit fault or error. Stewart, while not making any claims to debating prowess, has gone toe-to-dialectal-toe with a variety of opponents.) it came as a surprise when Cramer made every possible effort to appease his accuser. Well, it turns out that the "Mad Money" host didn't have a leg on which to stand. Observe:

We originally thought that Cramer's willingness to apologize for a vast array of journalistic malfeasance- incompetence, negligence, and a mildly incestuous relationship with the business leaders on whom he reports- originated from a strategy to avoid confessing to the gravest crime of which Stewart accused him: near-criminal facilitation of the manipulations perpetrated by the financial blood-suckers on Wall Street- a form of PR plea-bargain. In any case- the two cable news personalities must never have struck any bargain, or Cramer will soon follow the last hack who displeased Stewart- Tucker Carlson- into exile in journalistic Siberia. His infraction of the apparently non-existent plea-bargain occured on the Today Show. Cramer described Stewart's accusations as "naive and misleading," and attributed his unwillingness to point out Stewart's myopia at a more appropriate moment (say, for example, during their half-hour conversation) to a trained reflex to "take the high road." Apparently, one follows this righteous path by telling people what they want to hear when it suits you and strut around as you recant the next week. Why bother doing interviews if the guests just jerk off the hosts and then act like it doesn't mean anything?

We're guessing that right before the mics turned on, John Stewart got into Cramer's head with something along the lines of: "Listen, you cocksucker, I lost a fortune on your bogus financial advice, so don't piss me off. I will not hesitate to stab you." Nothing else explains how contrite ass-kissing could revert back to hubris and arrogance once safely out of shiv-range. Unless, of course, Cramer is just a gigantic, soulless pussy.