April 6, 2009

Spencer Pratt: "Float like a Douchebag, Fight like a Girl"

If Spencer Pratt actually has a purple belt in Jiu-Jitsu- as claimed by girlfriend Heidi Montag in a weak, desperate attempt to talk him up in front of her parents and an ex-boyfriend- whichever school gave him that belt has some explaining to do. First and foremost: why does he punch like a girl? Yes- Jiu-Jitsu focuses on submission grappling rather than striking, but the emergence of mixed martial arts has proven that an effective fighter must develop a well-rounded proficiency, developing either grappling or stand-up to the detriment of the other at his own peril. We suspect that Heidi and Spencer put their heads together and made up this alleged purple belt to wipe some of the pansy off Spencer's image after his disgraceful performance on the Hills' season premiere: "Sure, he sucker-punched a guy with an uppercut and then proceeded to slap at him with his fist in a tomohawk-like motion, but his triangle choke is tight." Giving a bearded person an abrasion with an uppercut that he does not expect (because honestly, what kind of barbarian starts fights in this day and age?) fails to impress us. One of us recently received a cut on the face inflicted by a mere left hook, through gloves and protective head gear. It's not that big a deal. We will post the fight video as soon as MTV makes the full episode available. In the meantime you can catch a glimpse of Spencer playing patty-cakes in this season 5 preview.

Regardless of the veracity of Spencer's proficiency at a fighting style from a school that is behind the times and fosters aggresion, hostility, and douchiness in its students-as opposed to the usual values of self-respect, -discipline, and -control- he effectively applies a Jiu-Jitsu strategy to his relationship with Heidi. Having wrapped himself around her like an ever-tightening boa constrictor, he has brought her down, isolated and immobilized. Now, he proceeds to finish it of by smothering the life out of her.