May 8, 2012

Johnny Travolta Gets His Wings

What the what?! Johnny Boy Travolta has finally decided to come out of the closet. As everyone knows, the Church of Scientology has their members do what they call "auditing" during which time the new cult members divulge all of their deepest, darkest secrets. Then, the "church" holds these admissions over the heads of their members to get them to do whatever they want. Members need to tow the line or else their secrets will be revealed. It's common knowledge that high-profile scientologists John Travolta and Tom Cruise enjoy having sex with men. Bisexual, homosexual, whatever the case may be, they have built careers touting themselves as heterosexual family men.

Now, by being so blatantly indiscreet in pursuing his gay massages, John Travolta is in effect outing himself. Way back in 2000 or so, there was a wrestler in Europe or something, that was going to tell his story about having sex with Tom Cruise. Cruise's pitbull lawyer, Marty Singer, shut that shit down before you could say, "But he's Jerry Maguire!" We don't want to get into a big, long discussion about scientology, but there is a pattern of threats and coercion and blackmail and suspicious deaths that dates back before we were born. If the "church" wanted to make Travolta's problems go away, they would. After the death of his son, we would think that John has had enough. So what that he likes to have sex with masseurs? He obviously has an arrangement with his wife, Kelly Preston, and they seem to be doing fine raising their children and living their lives. It's not like being revealed as gay could damage his career. He has no career. If anything, being true to himself will bring him new opportunities.

Both of the plaintiffs suing Travolta are being listed as "John Doe" to protect their identities, and they are being represented by the same attorney. We're a little nervous for said attorney's life but Travolta will undoubtedly settle this out of court so hopefully no one will get hurt. It's interesting to note as well that no one sued that dude that wrote, "You'll Never Spa In This Town Again," which was chock full of stories about Travolta's many gay escapades at the LA Spa. Being that he's totally best friends with Oprah, we say he does a show on OWN where he comes clean about his life. Holy amazeballs ratings that would be.